Bring Me The Horizon L.I.V.E. In São Paulo #

[cheers from the crowd as the show opens]

E.V.E.: Hello and welcome to the Bring Me The Horizon POST HUMAN live experience.

[cheers continue]

E.V.E.: São Paulo, are you ready for the greatest night of your life?

[loud cheering]

E.V.E.: Very well, initialising A.P.E. version 666 [sound glitching out] Enjoy your experience.

[Intro fades into DArkSide]

[Device beeping]

E.V.E.: São Paulo, please remain calm. We are experiencing temporary demonic surge. I can assure you it’s nothing to worry-

[Alarm blaring]

E.V.E.: What the hell?

[FANTOM member joins on screens]

FANTOM member: E.V.E, you need to evacuate the church right now.

E.V.E.: What are you talking about?

FANTOM member: Angeldust.

E.V.E.: Project Angeldust has escaped?

FANTOM member: Yes. And she’s heading for the church. São Paulo, this is your final warning. Evacuate the premises immediately. I repeat evacuate the- oh sh — no. Stay away. Stay away! No! [unintelligible, shooting noises]

E.V.E.: Hello? Come in? Fuck!

[crowd cheers]

[Angeldust breaks into the church with a screech]

Angeldust: Your souls are mine, wretched mortals! It’s time to heat things up.

[Fire blazing, crowd cheering]

Angeldust: Time to say goodbye.

[Transition into Kool-Aid]

[[ost] (spi)ritual starts playing]

Priest: People of São Paulo. Tonight’s a very special night, for you stand on holy grounds.

Yes…

Beneath your very feet lies an eldritch conduit, a source of unfathomable power. A nexus where the fabric of reality is thinnest. Through these ancient pathways, we have tapped into forces that offer access to a place we call Youtopia.

But the question I ask you is this: are you ready to step out of the coma?

[crowd cheers]

If that’s your desire… we must perform a ritual that will guide us safely across the threshold. It is known as the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram.

To cleanse the pathway, fortify your spiritual energy and aligning your Astral Matrix with the frequencies of Youtopia.

It is through this ritual, the calling forth of the archangels; you’ll find safety. You’ll find clarity. Are you prepared to perform this ritual?

I can’t hear you Sao Paulo. I said are you ready?

Okay. All together now.

[Full transition into [ost] (spi)ritual with vocals, finally fading into n/A]

M8 (cheery voice): Knock-knooocckkk!

Oh em jeezles! Selene! Look at all these meatbags!

[M8 farts]

Oops, sorry! I get a little gassy when I’m nervous…

Selene (calm): M8, please focus.

The following segment was cut from the recording. This segment has appeared during a few of the concerts and would show the person with the haircut referred to on the screen. This segment is speculated to be removed to protect the privacy of the fan shown on screen.

M8: O-ho, I’m focused right now… focused on these funny looking folks! Selene, look at this one! Dude, who cut your hair? Want me to neutralise them for you?

Selene: M8…

M8 (dramatic unserious voice): I will avenge youuuuu~

Selene (annoyed): M8! We have bigger issues here!

M8: OK…Let’s get serious

The rest of the segment continues as seen in any other recording:

Selene: Listen to me São Paulo, Eve isn’t just here to study you, she’s here to dissect you.

M8: She’s gonna slice, dice and julienne your asses!

Selene: E.V.E. thinks she’s unveiled the sacred path to Youtopia, a shortcut carved in code and synthetic manipulation. But the only true gateway is not in circuitry, not in some twisted neural override. The only way to access youtopia is through-

[Alarm siren sound]

M8: Uh oh spaghetti-o-s! They’re onto us Selene! We need to get the fuck out of here before they trace our imprint!

Selene: São Paulo, you’ve been warned! Nex Gen are the enemy! Get out while you can! M8 upload the virus now!

M8: Okie dokie! Initiating project retrograde decay protocol version 7.14, commencing! It’s been a pleasure my fleshy friends, see you soon! If you survive that is!

E.V.E.: São Paulo, you guys are still here? You really wanna hear more of this shite?

Jesus christ. You people really are all doomed.

M8: Okay folks, listen up. We got a big problemo to deal with.

E.V.E is off her digital tits! Bless her little circuits.

She actually thinks she’s on a mission to save the human race. But she has no idea how Youtopia actually works! What she can’t compute is the only true way to access Youtopia is through peace love and all that kinda mushy crap!

Luckily, I know I am in the presence of a deeply spiritual audience tonight. I can always tell from the smell.

First things first. I need to measure the vibrational resonance of your spirit molecules. Hm lemme see. Oh boy, this is going to take forever.

Wait I got it! Terminal!

Terminal: Would you like assistance?

M8: Commence materialisation protocol of an Aura Gauger 9000X quantum edition pro max lite special U2 red version? You know? The one with Bono’s signature on the backplate? We need the full spectrum model calibrated for maximum soul density metrics and unfiltered biofuel resonance. Okay this baby, this is the ultimate detector of pineal potential. So Oli, let’s get scanning. All you gotta do is point it at their third eyes and the machine will do the rest.

E.V.E.: I hope you enjoyed your Bring Me The Horizon live experience. Unfortunately, it will be the last one you ever see. You really think love always wins? Pussies.

Well if I can’t have you, no one will. Executing extinction sequence. Say goodbye!

[E.V.E. laughs until a captcha appears asking her to select all pictures of Oli Sykes]

Wait what? Oh for fuck’s sake. Okay, don’t panic.

[E.V.E. clicks on the captcha correctly, error noise on the second click]

Shit.

[E.V.E. clicks, error noise]

Ehh.. ehh…

[E.V.E. clicks on Big Bang actor, error noise]

Goddamnit! Somebody help me. Somebody!

[Continues clicking, system gives a warning for too many attempts]

What? Are you fucking kidding me? No, no [starts glitching out and disappears]

[BRING ME THE HORIZON JUST ROCKED MY WORLD pops up on the screen]